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[15 Nov 2004|10:02am] |
I am very unhappy with many things in my life.
I think I need to do something to remedy that.
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| Rob Flynn is a fucking God.... |
[01 Jun 2003|12:43pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Machine Head- Deafening Silence (on repeat) |
] |
He looked right into my eyes and said to me
The hurt that you try to hide is killing me
You drink a thousand lies, to freeze the past in time
I've tried to fill this silence up
But now its back again
See the pain in my eyes
See the scars deep inside
My god, I'm down in this hole again
With the laughter I smile
With the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road called life
He says that I'm insecure. I guess he's right
Cause just when I think I'm sure. Alone at night
The agonies come back, the pain won't let me be
I try to fill the silence up
but now its back again
See the pain in my eyes
see the scars deep inside
my god, I'm down this hole again
With the laughter I smile
With the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road this called life
don't need your sympathy
I just want for this silence to stop killing me
it's deafening
it's deafening
this silence inside me
I try to fill this silence up
but now its back again
Its empty like a suicide
this pain inside
see the pain in my eyes
see the scars deep inside
my god, I'm down in this hole again
with the laughter I smile
with the tears that I cry
keep going this road called life
Don't need your sympathy
I just want for his silence to stop killing me
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| Broken |
[25 May 2003|01:52pm] |
Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in you
‘Cause I’m broken
I know I need you now
‘Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know I know your heart is broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away
I question why you chose to die
When you knew your truth I would deny
You look at me
The tears begin to fall
And all in all faith is blind
But I fail time after time
Daily in my sin I take your life
All the hate deep inside
Slowly covering my eyes
All these things I hide
Away from you again
All this fear holding me
My heart is cold and I believe
Nothing’s gonna change
Until I'm broken
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| "I'll give up everything just to find you" |
[18 May 2003|02:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
now i will tell you what i've done for you
50 thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again
blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again
so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under
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perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled...
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
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i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
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long lost words whisper slowly to me
still can't find what keeps me here
when all this time i've been so hollow inside
i know you're still there
watching me
wanting me
i can feel you pull me down
fearing you
loving you
i won't let you pull me down
hunting you i can smell you - alive
your heart pounding in my head
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i tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
i lay dying
and i'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will i be denied...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
don't turn away
don't give in to the pain
don't try to hide
though they're screaming your name
don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
don't turn out the light
never sleep never die
i'm frightened by what i see
but somehow i know that there's much more to come
immobilized by my fear
and soon to be blinded by tears
i can stop the pain if i will it all away
fallen angels at my feet
whispered voices at my ear
death before my eyes
lying next to me i fear
she beckons me shall i give in
upon my end shall i begin
forsaking all i've fallen for i rise to meet the end
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| ::yawn:: |
[20 Apr 2003|07:01am] |
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Sooo tired...must lose consciousness soon.
Woke up yesterday at 4:15am and got to work by 5. Got out of work and vegged. Passed out for less than an hour. Woke up, and went with Tyler to get him a celly phone. Then headed over to Tim's so we could make our way down to the Globe. Sat threw LockJaw...yeah they suck. Then my friends band came on. Awesome stage presence, great music, good time. Had to leave 30 min. into their set so I could go consume large amounts of coffee. By 3am I was back at work. Four hours later I am back here at my mom's, ready to die on her couch.
grrr.....can't sleep....must sleep.
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| The camp flag |
[16 Apr 2003|08:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Enigma- Saddness |
] |
So the sites are booked for camping. Now a task...to come up with our camp flag. One for each site we have. Kimmy has to make one, and then so do I. Apparently they have already come up with theirs. Damn... June 13th can't come soon enough.
4 days and I start my vacation. By the Gods I can't fucking wait. I am ready to go postal on all the old people in my store. A whole week. Oh man I can't wait. I haven't had a vacation from work since last October.
I guess it is off to bed I go.
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| Just Wait |
[08 Apr 2003|01:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 scared |
] |
If ever you are felling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill
I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think that for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege that you share only
Or did you feel that everyone else feels completely at home
If you think I have given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long
I know that you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear or hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud
If anything I have said has helped you
If anything I have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may be all but gone
I hope for you and cannot stop hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace
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| The Tale of the Tattoo's |
[07 Apr 2003|02:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
With every tattoo I get I can remember who I was with, what I was doing, and the reason behind it. I am about to add another piece onto my body that will place another memory forever in my mind.
-My first tattoo was my dragon. I got it on my 18th birthday. It was a gift from my friend Michelle. My mom also came along to share the day with me, and laughed at me most of the time. Four and a half hours later it was completed. Dragons are watchers. The eldest of all mythical creatures. Protectors and guardians. I chose it to watch what goes on behind me.
-Second came the black sun in the middle of my back. Cindy and I wanted to get tattooed together. She got her Ankh, I got the sun with the zodiac signs surrounding it. It was January. We decided to take the bus to Body Ritual. Our only problem was we didn't know what bus to take to get back. So we ended up chasing after buses in the snow. Every time our backs hit the seat we both winced at the same time.
-The third tattoo I got, was just to spite someone I was with. I was told that if I got tattooed again her was going to break up with me. So of course I went and got another one. The first of two gecko's on my left breast. Needless to say he stuck around for a bit longer.
-The second of the two came when Cid and I were bored one night. She wanted to get pierced, I wanted some more ink. We headed down to the shop and she got stabbed, I got inked.
-Next came my gargoyle. I have this need for balance. All of my tattoo's and piercings are perfectly balanced. This is my second watcher. Lol, no one can ever say I don't have eyes in the back of my head, because mine are on my back. Jamie was with me. I got this one done in April, right before my senior prom. Jamie also got his lip pierced that day.
-On my 19th birthday I bought myself my own present. Jack Skelington. He was done on my left leg. Jamie was also with me. He found it hilarious the faces I was making.
-The latest addition would be the fairy I have on my back. In a fit of rage I had the outline done. That was the day Jamie moved out. I was so hurt, and so mad I needed something to take it all way, and replace it. After another fight color was added. Pure unhappiness led to the finishing of it.
Now I am at my newest piece. Loneliness, anger, fear, pain, misery. This is what is being added next. Darkness will be done on my left arm. What I did, will never leave me. I done gone and fucked up the most important thing in my life. Someone's undying love. Once again I have alot inside I need to get out. Inflicting another type of pain to replace it is the safest way I know how to rid myself of it. Since I am in a dark part of my life right now. When I am happy again my right arm will be done...In light. The sun... bright colors. Laughter, love, pleasure, happiness. This will consume my right arm.
I don't remember much. I think it is amazing that I remember this much. I think it is funny when people ask me why I got this or that. I have a reason and a memory for each.
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| Fuck the internal alarm clock. |
[06 Apr 2003|01:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
I actually slept until 1pm. Well the daylight savings time thing helped. Now I'm hungry. I was going to make breakfast, but I lost all motivation to do that. Sleep is so good.
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| Frozen |
[05 Apr 2003|06:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
My doors are frozed shut on my car. I am late for work. FUCK!!! I have to wait for Candy to come take me to work, or help me get my doors open. DAMN IT!!
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| umm...ok |
[04 Apr 2003|06:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
I slept, sleep is good. Didn't sleep long, but who cares I slept. I am so proud of myself right now.
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| clumsiness |
[02 Apr 2003|01:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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exhausted |
] |
I am so out of it today. I just don't feel right. I am also being a complete cluts. If I can keep ahold of something for more than 20 seconds I'd be amazed. I just keep dropping things, and running into every damn thing I can.
My sister invited me over for dinner tonight. She is so excited. This should be fun. I will probably be taking over a few of my nightmare games. That will make the night even better. But I need to sleep now....ahh yes, naps are good =)
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| The Throne room |
[30 Mar 2003|03:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
I don't have a bedroom anymore. It is now called the Throne room. You'd have to see my bed to understand. I almost have to get a running start to get up on the damn thing. Compliments of the Amish craftsman Chris Isler. My bed rocks. Well not literally. I think it would take a massive earthquake to break that thing.
It was a nice weekend. Worked yesterday. Went and saw The Core with Cindy. I was so proud of myself. I refrained from crying, during the whole movie. Then I made my way out with Tyler and Keligh (I probably didn't spell that right). We went bowling. Had a good time. It was fun. Today my entire family invaded my house and brought my bed with them. Lisa and I are making a fatty ass roast for dinner and having Cindy over. She had her first sonogram. IT'S A BOY!!! They also gave her a video of it, so we are going to watch it. Maybe if we get around to it we may even bust out the game of monopoly. We are pathetic and we suck. This we already know.
All in all a nice weekend.
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| The more things change |
[27 Mar 2003|09:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sevendust- Waffle |
] |
I give up. I am not going to try anymore. Sometimes you just have to realize certain things, no matter how much they hurt, or you don't like them. Since they are just going to keep slapping you in the face to remind you... That you no longer matter.
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[25 Mar 2003|11:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
I watched Little Monsters last night. Yeah, with Howie Mandel and Fred Savage. HA HA, that movie is great. Four days now, all I have been able to do is sleep. Ok I feel like crap. I am going back to bed now. I left my codeine at my moms, I just stopped here to pick it up. Goodnight people.
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| Reader's Poll |
[24 Mar 2003|09:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
Should I chop off all of my hair?
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| Shoot me. |
[23 Mar 2003|05:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
I want to die. Right now. My body can't decide if it wants to be hot and sweaty or freezing. I am so sick. Blah. All I can do is sleep. I don't think I am going to make it to work tomorrow. Man if I get Cid sick. I don't know what I'd do. I would feel terrible. I am going to go home and die now.
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| So alone... |
[22 Mar 2003|11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
I don't want to sleep alone tonight...
I can't stop crying.
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